Marni welcomes the formidable Elle Russ into the Den to talk about how women, especially Alpha females, can be Confident As F*ck while embracing their vulnerability to attract connection and intimacy. As a coach and author, Elle helps people reclaim their health. She is a TV and film writer and host of the Primal Blueprint podcast. During this conversation, she shares the inspiration for writing her book, Confident As Fu*k: How to Ditch Bad Vibes, Clean Up Your Past, and Cultivate Confidence in Order to Make Your Dreams a Reality and key concepts to help women be confident in all areas of their life including dating!
Key takeaways from this episode:
How to attract quality people into your life How alpha females can express vulnerability Avoiding Downers that drain your confidence How to have only conversations that matterWhat Inspired Elle to Write Confident As F*ck? [1:30]
Elle says that there is a theme to the type of people you attract into your life. Clients would come to her for help building their confidence. These were people who could speak to a room of 200+ people but couldn’t be vulnerable in an intimate or private environment. Marni adds that women won't admit to having a confidence issue but when it comes to relationships they have self-doubt or they need validation.
Alpha females have pitfalls and one of those is being vulnerable. We don't, on a primal level, want to appear weak. But, in dating it makes us inaccessible. People crave our external confidence but they never see our human side. When you are not vulnerable and open you can not have emotional intimacy with someone. How can someone love you if they don't see you.
Elle carried shame because her hands became permanently disabled in her 20's. She thought 'who would want her with the disability?' She didn't tell the guys she dated. She wanted to wait until they said I love you. She was held back. She knew she had to get over the shame of her disability. Shame can be more disabling than a disability. Shame disables confidence.
You always stay on the fringe of social connections when you are afraid to be vulnerable.
The Downer Effect [21:33]
Elle considers people who project a lack of confidence ‘Downers’. When people have bad vibes toward you you feel it. Stay away from these people, she advises. You can share your experiences with some people over and over and they will consistently reply with negativity.
While Elle gets inspired by negative naysayers it can feel like a hit to your confidence. She recommends choosing your battles wisely. At some time in our lives, we have all been a downer and have had negative thoughts. Self-examination can help negative thoughts go away quickly and help us not to simmer in them.
Indicators that you may be the ‘Downer’:
If you feel like you are right or you have a need to be right. It normally means that it involves someone else's demise or failure. It's crap and women need to stop it. Squelching other people’s confidence makes you feel better about yourself.Marni recommends every woman look at the five people they talk to and share with to consider if they are being encouraging or negative. If they are being negative, change your five people.
Why do women worry about what someone else might think of them and allow it to change their attitude? All that matters is how you think of you.
When you walk into a date wonder if that person is worth your time. It’s empowering.
Stay Away From the Nonversation [33:50]
Elle coined the term nonversation for conversations that are a waste of time and they go nowhere. We have to stop having them! Fishing for a compliment or giving voice to our ego isn’t necessary.
Women have to start encouraging other women. - envy and jealousy is rooted in self-loathing and low self-esteem. It’s important to limit your time with jealous people. Jealousy is hoping the person you are jealous of fails.
Wishing failure on someone else will always come back to haunt you.
Stop sharing stuff with negative people. You will never win. People should be worth your time or you shouldn’t hang with them.
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