Marni welcomes Dr. Thomas Jordan into the Den to discuss the revolutionary way to change the behavioral patterns that keep you single. His book, Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life, is a culmination of his 33-years as a psychotherapist who has helped individuals and couples enjoy more satisfying and longer-lasting relationships.
Key takeaways from this episode:
What determines a healthy, successful love life A 3-step guide to learn to love How to identify repeating patterns in your love life The role of communication skills in your love life A person will tell you who they are if you are listening3-Steps to Learning to Love [2:41]
Dr. Jordan is devoted to the topic of love and love life difficulties. In working with individuals and couples, he noticed patterns. Many of the people made the same mistakes over and over again but were not conscious of their own patterns.
When a difficulty arose in his love life, he corrected it and wrote his book, Learn to Love: Guide to Healing Your Disappointing Love Life to help others.
Most people don't consciously know what they have learned about the love relationships in their lives.
Dr. Jordan’s 3-step Learning to Love Method
Become conscious of what you have learned Strengthen your ability to challenge the pattern Move your love life in a new directionHow the Brain Tries to Protect Us From Pain [14:03]
Dr. Jordan says it is common for people to generalize, aka the ‘all men are this’ statement, after getting hurt repeatedly. It is a defense mechanism the brain uses to protect us from future pains. How to release this and put an end to the repeating patterns is to ask yourself “What have I learned about love relationships that might be recreating some of this pattern in my love life that's not working?”
If you repeat something over and over in your love life and it is not working, chances are you learned something unconsciously and it is unhealthy.
If you identify a pattern that is causing repetitive disappointment, take a break. Take time to ponder what is moving your love life in the wrong direction. Once you have a conscious awareness you can venture back out into the dating scene.
Healthy Communication is Key [26:33]
Communication is the foundation of a healthy love relationship. Dr. Jordan says communication is how you get to know the person you are with and how they get to know you. Good communication is key to solving problems if/when they arise in the relationship.
All human beings have issues and faults.
It is impossible to change another person. Trying to change people in your love life is a bad idea. Dr. Jordan says in his 33-years of practice he has never met a person who successfully changed another person. If you want a healthy, long-lasting love life you must make the decision that the thing you want to change about the other person is not important enough to sacrifice the relationship.
If it is not, practice acceptance.
People tell you a lot about themselves when you first meet them but you have to be listening.
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