This episode is about realizing control is just a protective behavior. Today’s caller, Beck, wants to feel safe and worthy of love without feeling the need to calculate and devise a plan to control the outcome of a situation. We work through ways she can express her emotions and voice her truth to meet her needs.
[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode322]
We all have, at some level, an addiction to control. We have different relationships with it and it is hard for us to completely be in uncertainty, non-attachment, and surrender. The more personal development work we do, the more we are able to step into those things but it is naturally human to have those kinds of controlling pieces come up.
Often, what we consider as controlling is a part of us that doesn’t feel safe. And, that part is trying to protect us. I also believe semantics and words are very important. No one wants to be called controlling.
It is hard to get leverage and to do the work we need to do on ourselves when we use a word that has a lot of judgment on top of it. Instead of thinking of your behaviors as controlling, think of them as protective behaviors. It feels better and makes it easier to understand, accept, and shift them.
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Consider/Ask Yourself:
Do you find yourself fighting for control or manipulating situations to make yourself feel safe? Are you someone who holds your thoughts and emotions in for a long time? How are you asking for what you need? Think about your childhood and the times you got in trouble, or the times you were told you were naughty, or when you did something wrong, did you collapse the “I did something wrong” to mean “I am wrong”? Do you have an old childhood belief that because you did something bad or wrong it means you were wrong or unlovable?
Beck’s Question:
Beck wants to explore her relationship with control and guidance on how to work through it to support herself in her relationship.
Beck’s Key Insights and Ahas:
She’s been doing inner work. She fears being perceived as a controlling person. She manipulates situations to get what she wants. She experiences expectation hangovers. She controls things to protect herself. Her parents loved her, but it felt conditional when she did something wrong. She is afraid of losing love. She is sensitive and has big feelings. As a child, she couldn’t separate her actions being wrong from her being wrong. She creates distance in her partnership when she doesn’t show her true emotion. She doesn’t always know what she needs. Her partner struggles to handle her emotions. She tests people to see if they love her. She outsources getting her needs met.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
Communicate her truth when she feels it. Ask for what she needs, consistently. Know she can make mistakes and still be worthy of love. Sprinkle the release of her emotions out when they arise, not to let the floodgates open after keeping them inside.
Takeaways:
Realize that you can make mistakes and still be worthy of love. Look at where you are not speaking your truth. Emotions are better let out than kept in.
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Resources:
Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community
Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner
Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler
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