Welcome back to LOLAandOLA.com. Let’s talk about the 7 stages of an emotional affair; a sequel to “5 signs of an emotional affair”.
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Let’s check out this story.
“So my wife seems to be having an emotional affair with her boss.
She locked me out of her home computer a few months back (it was shared).
Just before that I noticed she'd been trying to find a way to stop her phone messages being saved in the cloud.
When I did see some of her messages she's been texting with him all times of day and at weekends.
When she went away on a trip a couple of times, he was getting pictures and texts etc. I got nothing.
He talks back with her a lot.
She's deleted a lot of the texts (presumably the worst ones??).
Some of the texts seem to be suggestive but I can't see if they lead anywhere but I don't think anything physical has happened.
It's more flirting.”
Sorry about this trauma. It’s going to take a lot of work to get out of this funk. And I am sorry you have to go through this.
Maybe understanding the stages of emotional affairs can help you put things in better perspective so you can move forward in the most effective way.
Let’s get into it.
Stage 1 Void
In order for another person to occupy the space of intimacy in a relationship, there must be some type of void.
This is not to blame or assign fault away from the transgressor to the other partner but to highlight the fact that it is what it is.
If you caught your partner in this type of bad behavior, always remember it’s not your fault but that’s not equivalent to not assuming responsibility in the overall status of your relationship.
Stage 2 Friendship
You’ve always had friends anyway. For women, they often need to feel safe and secure.
So the closest person to that when there is a void they want to fill in their present relationship or marriage are ex’s.
Ladies. Be careful with keeping friendships with your exes. It might seem innocent because after all there are stages.
You probably already know that everything feels wrong but right at the same time with this inappropriate relationship.
If you are not careful, you will eventually find yourself justifying it. Don’t wait for it because again, friendship is a seemingly innocent stage of emotional affairs.
Stage 3 Sharing
In this stage, the transgressor is getting comfortable and starting to share intimate details with the loser on the side.
Why are they losers? It’s just the reality because you are clearly not 100% emotionally available but yet, they are hoping to build something serious usually.
There is a void as I stated in stage one but it is not the same thing as being emotionally available which is a requirement for a healthy relationship.
Not only was that lady sharing details, when she went away on a trip a couple of times, the loser was getting pictures and texts while the husband got nothing.
At this point, the marriage is in the danger zone.
Stage 4 Secrecy
What happens next? The transgressor is leaving exhibits and digital footprints on SMS, text messages and WhatsApp right?
These are now secrets which in this context can be described somewhat as lies. They have to tell more lies and create more secrets to cover up.
But there is a problem.
No matter how much they try to delete messages, it gets worse because even though… remember that story…
“She's deleted a lot of the worst texts ,the remaining seem to be suggestive.”
Yes he couldn’t see if they led anywhere or think anything physical had happened. But the mind doesn’t know that.
Stage 5 Fantasy
Up till this stage, nothing has necessarily happened physically. But the natural order of things is for the mind to engage images of going all the way through.
At this stage, the transgressor is starting to fantasize not just about physical intimacy but also about what life could be like with the side person.
The mind won’t rest or let’s flip it. The mind may not be able to comprehend the danger in all of these until a physical act has happened.
That’s why people would call it a mistake while in reality this can only be realistically described as premeditated in reality.
Stage 6 Dependency
At this stage, the transgressor has spent a lot of energy on this side relationship. Yes. they might as well call it a relationship because it’s denial.
They’ve started to fantasize about life with this person and the last thing they want you to call the interaction is an affair.
If you don’t speak to them in a day, your mind won't rest. It’s an unhealthy dependency because you can’t really live in truth; nonetheless a dependency.
Don’t forget that the transgressor still depends on the actual partner for something hence the difficulty in just leaving as opposed to cheating.
Stage 7 JustificationAt this stage, a transgressor is actively trying to turn a lie into a truth.
Actually, they are probably being honest since they have been intimate with another person consistently over a period of time.
There is an illusion of greener grass on the other side.
So even though it’s a dishonest lifestyle, it was filling a void and therefore feels like the truth and it’s just being actively justified.
At least, it might feel justified. It is not. That band aid must be ripped off that open and rotten wound once and for all.
Many pieces of advice on the internet will probably be conclusive and I know that you probably don’t want to end the marriage. So it’s confusing at best.
You might not know how far the affair has gone but it really doesn’t matter. Emotional affairs can hurt just as much if not more because of the fear of the unknown.
Reference our last video for recovery tips if you’ve caught your partner in this bad behavior. It’s called “5 Signs of An Emotional Affair + 5 RECOVERY TIPS”.
We share our own story inside the book "GET MY MARRIAGE BACK" which you can download for free at www.GetMyMarriageBack.com
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