This episode is about how loving actions help us heal. Today’s caller, Jada, was never shown love in childhood and wants to know how she can learn to love herself. When we don’t have loving stable parenting, we are at a disadvantage. But, people who have had a disadvantaged childhood and have done the work to heal it, find a force, love, and momentum that is unstoppable.
[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode372]
Growing up without a role model for what love feels like is akin to growing up in a house with only one language. Would you expect yourself to speak another language naturally? Would it just appear in your brain? No. When we don’t have models for what love is, it is hard to access love; it is hard to know what true healthy love is without other people. It makes it hard to access self-love as well.
When something bad happens, many people say that the experience has made them stronger and more resilient. But what that translates to is the experiences they endured created walls to protect their heart so they never really let love in because they are scared to death of being hurt again. For many people who had difficult childhoods, there is a lot of anger and grief they never got to feel.
When we are healing trauma it is not about going back and reliving the experience. It’s about giving ourselves the voice we never had. When looking at self-love, we have to take actions that signify self-care and actions that signify that we are being good to ourselves. That is the first step in learning how to love ourselves.
Love is a feeling that we can access through actions.
Consider/Ask Yourself:
Do you want to love yourself but you are not sure how? Did you have a traumatic childhood full of chaos and without a role model of love? Do you question if you will get over your past? Could it be possible that you are doing loving things but you don't even know it?
Jada’s Question:
Jada grew up without a role model of what love is and would like guidance on how to find genuine self-love.
Jada’s Key Insights and Ahas:
She feels anxiety when telling her story. She was abused and didn’t have love in her childhood. She feels unworthy and undeserving of love. She wants to turn her memories into something else. She has done self-work for three years. She is repressing anger. She wants love and support. Her inner child craves unconditional love. She recognizes how her lack of self-love shows up in her life. She is tired of how her childhood has affected her. She does not go into victim.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
Discontinue trying to find beauty in the trauma. Take the time to process her emotions. Recognize that love; she may not know how to feel self-love but she knows what loving actions are. Give herself credit for how far she’s come. Know that as she continues on this healing path she will propel forward. Find a seasoned therapist so she doesn’t have to do healing alone.
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Resources:
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