Marni welcome Jourdan Travers, licensed clinical social worker and specialist in treating anxiety, mood, substance abuse, and personality disorders to the Life Check Yourself studio, where they look into where our feelings of unworthiness stem from; what we’re running away from; and how we can start fixing those detrimental patterns that we’ve carried with us throughout our lives. When it comes to assessing our patterns, we need to first notice them.
Takeaways from this episode:
- How to manage your emotions
- When do you feel like you’re not enough?
- How to recognize your patterns
- Don’t avoid change
What Are You Trying to Numb? [03:00]
When it comes to starting your healing journey, there is an aspect to it that is not discussed enough. And that is, taking the step to notice and realize the patterns you keep repeating or the cycles that you’re in.
A lot of people don’t recognize their own patterns and how they might manifest. But it’s crucial to ask yourself the telling questions that will help you get to the answers you need to move forward. What are the months or seasons that are the most difficult for me? What are the sensations that have me reflexively reaching for that wine glass? What am I trying to escape?
Every single person experiences emotions differently in their own bodies. But a good starting point is recognizing when you get triggered, how you get triggered and why you get triggered.
The first thing one would do is just notice, or be curious about [certain] behaviors in that they might be connected to a feeling.
A lot of the time, people will look at themselves and link a certain situation going wrong, or a dream not coming to fruition to flaws within their character. However, the truth of the matter is, nobody is perfect. That doesn’t mean you need to constantly berate yourself for it. Sometimes, a person may feel like they have all these flaws and aspects that they don’t like within themselves. And if they were just to fix all of them, then everything else would fall into place. But that’s not the reality of it.
It’s an addictive fantasy. It’s this notion of, if I can fix this, then everything else will be fixed.
People are so accustomed to not being perfect or good enough, that it is important to pause and recognize those moments when you’re feeling that way. That’s where all the information lies, that’s where you get your answer. What are the moments in your life where you feel like you’re not enough? That is where your reflection should start.
The feeling of unworthiness that most people carry of not being enough is not a core belief that is learnt and held onto but rather it is a narrative people tell themselves.
Embrace the Messiness [ 11:45]
Affirmations have become a popular practice for a reason: they’re helpful, they serve a purpose, and they can be useful. That being said, the affirmations should be realistic; they should be thoughts that can help guide us essentially.
Unrealistic affirmations won’t have any effect. However, affirmations like this too shall pass or nothing lasts forever are two powerful mantras. That’s not to say that we can’t add on to these. We can, and we should but they should always be realistic.
Life is painful. We cannot escape that. It’s that pleasure-pain principle.
Accepting and reminding ourselves that life is made up of both the good and the bad, the difficult times and the wonderful times, is what actually helps us get through those dark moments.
Human beings, essentially, want to feel joy consistently. But existing in a constant state of euphoria or happiness is not realistic. It goes against the very nature of life. And the more we chase that constant pleasure, the more unsatisfied, and discontent we’re going to feel.
Stop Avoiding [19:14]
We all avoid things in different ways. While some are more avoidant in relationships, others are avoidant within their careers. It’s not a one shoe-fits all description. Different people will have different patterns of avoidance in different areas of their lives.
But with avoidance, you get stuck. So, sit down with yourself, look at your patterns and question yourself. Looking inwards and asking yourself how you contributed to the break-up, for example; Or how you ended up in a certain situation is where the work starts. Maybe you just got burn by love again. Is it because you’re drawn to this type of person? Is it because there is a feeling there that you keep running towards?
Nothing happens in isolation, we don’t live in a vacuum.
Asking yourself what are the thoughts and behaviors that propels you to act in a certain way is how you get to the root cause of the pattern. It’s more about looking inwards and identifying the triggers, the feelings, and the situations than it is about searching for answers externally.
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