Today on Uncensored English Gabriel and I have an unscripted conversation about the news, is it worth listening to? Is it always depressing? Feel free to let us know in the comments section on the Facebook page. As always Monday's podcast has a transcript so sign up for our newsletter to get weekly updates about our free transcripts, language challenges and more!
Keiran:
All right, what's up everybody? Today on Uncensored English, we have Gabriel back on the podcast. How is it going, Gabriel?
Gabe:
Yeah, pretty good. Feeling good, feeling fresh. Came back from the gym. Wooyeah!
Keiran:
All right, pumping up like Arnold.
Gabe:
Yeah, yes.
Keiran:
What you do?
Gabe:
Okay. I went running. I was running. You go on the tread mill, you run, you run, and then after I warmed up I had toweled myself off a bit. And I did squats, deep squats. And then I did little bit of ... I did some dead lifts. It was nice. And then I did some leg curls. Then I didn't have a good workout yesterday, because I was kind of hung over, so I completed most of the workout I wasn't able to do yesterday. I did some shoulders. I did some fucking arms. And then I did some leg ... I exercised my body.
Keiran:
Wait. What's all this for, man? This is for you or this is for the ladies?
Gabe:
For me, man. I want to look in the mirror and be like, "Oh, yeah, you fucking look to you piece of shit. Dear God, you're hot."
Keiran:
All right, good. All right, anyways, lets move on, man. Gabriel and I, we're going to shoot the shit. We're going to talk about news today and if it's worth watching the news and something about that. Before we do that, we've got uh we got one response from the podcast we did on Russian stereotypes from a Russian person. We're going to just play it right now so we can all hear it together. You, Gabriel, and I. Here we go.
Alex:
Hello, I'm Uncensored English listeners. Hi, Keiran, hi, Gabriel. I'm Alex, the crazy scientist from Moscow.
Gabe: What a fucking nerd
Alex : After listening to all Gabriel perverted jokes in the 115 episode of Uncensored English I got an idea, to start a fundraising campaign to hire a prostitute for Gabriel, to make Gabriel great again. Bye.
Keiran:
All right, that guy got ya.
Gabe:
You said that was 74 minutes.
Keiran:
Well, it said 74 minutes, but it was only 20 seconds ...
Gabe:
A minute. It was only 20 seconds, yeah.
Keiran:
Yeah. Right. I don't know if we should hire Gabriel a prostitute, because I'm sure he already has one somewhere.
Gabe:
Ah excuse me. They're not called prostitutes. They're called masseuses.
Keiran:
Uhhhh man, Asian masseuses of the night?
Gabe:
No, I think I moved up to Latin American.
Keiran:
What? Is that like a, a price point higher or something?
Gabe:
It goes Asian, Latina, Black, and obviously White.
Keiran:
All right, that's an interesting scale of uh.
Gabe:
Oh, I'm sorry. It goes Russian, Asian, Latina, Black, then White.
Keiran:
All right. All right.
Gabe:
Yeah. It's not even ... Anyway, whatever. Yeah, thanks ... What's his name. Igor?
Keiran:
Alex. It's Alex, dude. You weren't even listening good.
Gabe:
Alex Kovalev. Yeah, suck it.
Keiran:
All right, anyways ...
Gabe:
Next question.
Keiran:
Alex, thanks for sending us that message. I think that you're probably right, but you probably don't know that Gabriel already spends money on this kind of stuff. So I don't know that he needs one, but good idea, though.
Gabe:
Yeah. Tell him ...nevermind. You know what?
Keiran:
Say it.
Gabe:
Thank you, Alex.
Keiran:
What were you going to say.
Gabe:
I hate this guy.
Keiran:
Why do you hate him. He responded to the podcast, man.
Gabe:
Yeah, he shouldn't have.
Keiran:
You're upset because he's making fun of you, or something?
Gabe:
Yeah. Who's he think he is, huh? He's a scientist? What is he a scientist of? Being fucking dumb?
Keiran:
All right.
Gabe:
All right, I'm just joking. Thank you, Alex. Send me an email, gabeomassi.com. Send me dick pics.
Keiran:
I don't know, man. What are you doing to do with Russian dick pics, man?
Gabe:
I'm going to send them to the police. Tell them he's sending me underage boy dick pics.
Keiran:
Send them to Vladimir Putin. Send them right back.
Gabe:
Yeah. Yeah, put you up there in Siberia with the wolves.
Keiran:
All right. All right, let's move on here.
Gabe:
Yeah.
Keiran:
All right. Today we're going to talk about news. Is it bullshit? Is it worth looking at, or not?
Gabe:
Yeah, that's true.
Keiran:
I generally don't look at the news. I look at the sports. That's mainly all I look at, because the rest of it always seems depressing.
Gabe:
You get depressed by reading the news? I don't feel anything when I read the news. I go to this website called Reddit, and then they have this subsection called news, and I'm always looking for a fucking disaster, or something.
Keiran:
Well, that's it, man. I think I used to be like that. I used to not care about the news, and I be like every time you see some kind of terrorist thing, I would just think, "Oh, thank God, it's not here." It didn't bother me that much. But I have students in all these countries now.
Gabe:
Yeah.
Keiran:
I have Turkish students, and there's like a Turkish bombing the other day, and 50 people died, or something.
Gabe:
Oh, man, that's a lot of fucking people.
Keiran:
I don't know. It's different when you're connected to someone who's affected.
Gabe:
Yeah.
Keiran:
I mean, I still always thank like, "Thank God, it's not here," but it's always a matter of time before something shitty happens in Canada, too.
Gabe:
Yeah, that's true. I'm here on the website, first article, "Off-duty cop has 10 pints of beer, margarita at bar, before deadly, wrong-way crash." Yeah, fuck the police.
Keiran:
Right? Really, where was that? Where did that happen? In in the US?
Gabe:
Yeah. Four hours ago.
Keiran:
What kind of person drinks 10 pints and then a margarita? How do you finish your night with a margarita after 10 pints?
Gabe:
I think maybe it was he was on a date with a girl, he had a margarita, the girl obviously didn't like him and then left him, and then he had 10 pints of beer.
Keiran:
No, you said he had 10 pints and then he had a margarita.
Gabe:
I mean, I don't know. It's the headline of the article. It's not like giving you like... I don't know. It didn't say he had it all in order. It's probably ... I mean like you know, he maybe had some food. They didn't put that in the headline. Probably had a hotdog.
Keiran:
Yeah. So you don't do the news? You do any news, or just Reddit?
Gabe:
Yeah, I like the internet news. I go on certain websites. I don't like CNN or like Fox. It's too biased. CNN is very liberal, and Fox is too conservative.
Keiran:
You know what's weird, though? Whenever I go into those restaurants in Montreal, like Al-Tahib or any of uh these ethnic restaurants, they're always playing CNN. I don't get it. They're always playing it.
Gabe:
They're like the biggest, right? No, they might be the biggest.
Keiran:
They're the most blatantly ... Like you said, they're the most blatantly bias news shows ever.
Gabe:
Yeah.
Keiran:
It's so transparent, and it's just hard to even sit through it.
Gabe:
A lot of time, it's all like programming rather than news. It's like a TV show, so it's mostly entertainment, and it's fun to watch. I can watch like CNN, because it's just fun. There's all these colors, and what's his name, Wolf Blitzer looks like a fucking weirdo. He's all white, with his crazy beard, and he looks like a cartoon character.
Keiran:
Yeah.
Gabe:
It's fun. Like, I could watch that shit all day. When I'm America, when I'm visiting my grandmother in Florida, I can watch fucking CNN all day long. It's just so fun, because I'm like, "Oh, I'm American now." Like, I need to know.
Keiran:
But you're looking at it from the prospective of "This is dumb shit, and I'm laughing at it," right?
Gabe:
I'm looking at it ... I'm not laughing all the time, but I'm like ... Okay, in 2000-whatever-it-was, remember the Boxing Day tsunami, in what's it called, Thailand?
Keiran:
That must have been a while ago, right?
Gabe:
It was like in 2005, 2006. I was in Florida for that, and man I didn't have CNN at my home, because we were all poor, but my grandmother had TV, all these channels. It was the first time I had access to 24-hour news, so I was just watching TV all day long you know. Then, before that, the only time I was ever watching the news for that long period of time was 9/11. I remember when I was 11 years old, and it was on TV, non-stop. Like, they stopped every channel. ABC, NBC was just 9/11 news, and then they showed Bush declared war, and it was just basically 24-hour news on the war.
Keiran:
Yeah.
Gabe:
It was so interesting, man. I was freaking out. It made me all paranoid and shit, fucked me up now.
Keiran:
Yeah. Well, that's the kind of garbage that we see on the news, right? I mean, this stuff happens all the time, but you only hear about it when it happens to North America, on our news.
Gabe:
Yeah.
Keiran:
Like, you never hear about all the other shit. Did you hear about the airplane that went down in Brazil?
Gabe:
Today?
Keiran:
No, last week?
Gabe:
No.
Keiran:
There's an airplane that crashed, and it had like a whole soccer team on it, and they were going to the finals.
Gabe:
What? Renal Dino?
Keiran:
No, I don't think it was that.
Gabe:
I think that's Spanish.
Keiran:
But they're going to the finals in Columbia, or something.
Gabe:
Jeez.
Keiran:
Everybody died except for six people, and the plane crashed because the pilot didn't fill up.
Gabe:
Oh, what a fucking dummy, man.
Keiran:
I know. Like, if the plane crashes because of, I don't know, a storm or something you can't control, that's sad. But the plane crashed because the guy didn't fill up? That's just pathetic, man.
Gabe:
Yeah.
Keiran:
It's such a stupid tragedy.
Gabe:
Maybe isn't the airport supposed to fill up. It's not the airplane is going to a gas station. He's going to an airport, right?
Keiran:
Yeah. I don't know. I mean, I imagine. But it maybe a private ... This is a private plane, right? Because it's a team plane. So maybe there's different protocols, or something. I don't know.
Gabe:
Got it.
Keiran:
I guess, news is always depressing. When do you look at the news and it's like something good?
Gabe:
Fuck, man. Let me see. Let me find something now.
Keiran:
Unless it's sports.
Gabe:
Oh, this one's good. "Firefighter eating at restaurant notices carbon monoxide symptoms, saves 32 people."
Keiran:
Is that in the US?
Gabe:
Yeah, this is all US news.
Keiran:
So the moral of this story is trust firefighters, not policemen.
Gabe:
Yeah, yeah. Look at that. He noticed it. He was like, "Hey, wait a minute. Everyone's throwing up," and he saves everyone.
Keiran:
I wonder what's the, what happens to a kid in his life that makes him become a firefighter rather than a policeman? Because a policeman is just a thief for the government, right?
Gabe:
I don't know. I mean like I feel like firefighters are inherently lazy people, you know?
Keiran:
Yeah. "I don't want to work all month, but when I do have to work, I'll risk my life and run into a burning building."
Gabe:
Yeah. It's worth it. You're like, "Man, I get paid to fucking play Nintendo and lift weights." It's basically my life, without the fire. You know?
Keiran:
Right, it is pretty much the same as your life. Right.
Gabe:
Yeah. Except I'm a fucking uh comedy fighter.
Keiran:
That was lame.
Gabe:
Whatever. See, I'm not good at comedy.
Keiran:
It's really lame. Ah yeah yeah except that they work every two weeks and you work every weekend.
Gabe:
Yeah. Oh, man, yeah.
Keiran:
Basically, my conclusion on news is that news is depressing and probably pretty useless, most of the time. What do you think?
Gabe:
I mean, I'll wake up every morning and go on whatever website really quick, just to see. I mean, we just, at this point, we have so much access to information that like you can just look at it and it just doesn't even register completely. I does depress me, it doesn't to anything to me. I just read it, and I'm like, "Oh, yes, more please. More information." Then I go to video game news, and I'm like, "Oh, yeah, I love video games." Then movies, RottenTomatoes.com, look up movie reviews, and I dunno then celebrity gossip. "Oh, the Kardashians. Ooooo." No, I don't know.
Keiran:
That sounds fun, because then you can just judge them, right?
Gabe:
I mean, they're not doing anything anymore. They're not like fucking up at all.
Keiran:
It's just like they went to a restaurant and then they ordered some soup.
Gabe:
Yeah. Yeah, they like soup. Yeah, I don't know. Whatever.
Keiran:
All right ...
Gabe:
Oh, yeah. I wanted to say I was on Facebook, and I saw I was about to call him George Washington, fuckin Denzel Washington, he was talking to I don't know who, some fucking person with a microphone, and he was talking about the news. He said this, he said this quote, "If you read the news, no if don't read the news, you're uninformed, but if you read the news, you're ... " Did you capture that burp in my throat?
Keiran:
Yeah, it was really gross, that gurgling sound. It's pretty disgusting.
Gabe:
Let me take that back. "If you don't read the news, you're uninformed, but if you read the news, you're misinformed." So that's my statement of the day, his statement.
Keiran:
All right, you're paraphrasing him.
Gabe:
Yeah.
Keiran:
It's pretty accurate, though.
Gabe:
Yeah.
Keiran:
It's a little the same thing, I remember Will Smith said something like, he said like, "I vote so I can complain" And that's the wrong thing. The thing is I don't vote so I complain.
Gabe:
Yeah, yeah.
Keiran:
If you voted, then you put them in, so you can complain.
Gabe:
Yeah. Then again ...
Keiran:
But, I guess, everyone has their stupid moments, right?
Gabe:
Yeah. Then again, I get all my news from super rich black superstars.
Keiran:
Yeah, black men with more money than you'll ever have.
Gabe:
Yeah. I get it. I'm like, "Yes, what else? I need more news, Denzel."
Keiran:
I think you should trust your news from Chris Rock over Will Smith or Denzel.
Gabe:
Oh, Chris Rock? He's a smart guy, no?
Keiran:
Yeah, that's what I'm saying. I mean, Will Smith, I don't know I don't like the stuff he produces. Denzel, I don't watch anything he produces, man. He just like your Hollywood Dreamboat for Women.
Gabe:
He's 64 years old. he's an old man now.
Keiran:
So women like the older dudes. You should know that, man.
Gabe:
Not that much. I don't know. Whatever. He's a good actor. He looks pretty young, still. You know? He's always chewing gum.
Keiran:
Exactly. You just said it yourself.
Gabe:
Yeah, all right.
Keiran:
All right. We're going to wrap this up, guys. I hope you liked hearing me and Gabriel shoot the shit about news. Uh thank you, Alex, for insulting Gabriel. It was very funny.
Gabe:
Yeah, fuck you.
Keiran:
Guys, if you haven't subscribed to the page on UncensoredEnglish.ca, or on the Facebook page, so you can get free transcripts emailed to you, and you can find out about our next storytelling challenge and our live lessons, which are going to be happening soon on Facebook. We'll catch you on the next episode of Uncensored English.
