How To Work Well With Difficult People
People skills are really one of the key basics of leadership. Fortunately, leading is easy. Getting others to follow us is the tricky bit. I hope this isn’t new information, but not everyone is like you, so how do you get the team to follow you? Especially how to get others, who are so totally different from you, who are “difficult”, to follow you or support you?
Central to working well with difficult people is understanding ourselves. Yes, they are difficult, but why do we think so? Isolating out the annoyance factors helps us to pinpoint how to handle situations where we react or possibly overreact.
Reflecting on the past occasions when we have found difficulty with others is a good reality check. Here is a hint on how to do that – think of someone you consider difficult to work with, see that individual in your mind’s eye. Now ask yourself two simple questions – what is it about them precisely, that makes me see them as difficult? Second question – how have I typically reacted when dealing with this person, and what have been the consequences of those reactions? Take a pass on the psychobabble, but consider that this exercise offers up some critical insights into ourselves. Want change – start with you!
Ask yourself, are there particular “hot buttons” that trigger a strong reaction, like being told “no” to something you seek. Do you notice that you quickly become defensive, take things personally or do you find yourself exemplifying “the best defense is attack” principle? Double check if your body language is screaming at that person, without you being completely aware of it?
Do you just dismiss them and their “ilk” or do you try to at least see how it might appear from their perspective? Are you open to negotiation or compromise or are you a fully paid up, card carrying and patch wearing member of the “My Way Or The Highway” club?
By the way, how are you with feedback – not good? With feedback, “We don’t know what we don’t know” is always a pain. Hearing unpleasant things about us from others is a bigger pain. “Nobody understands me!”- even further pain, when having to deal with idiots, people who lack our brand of common sense and basic nasties who have the temerity to want to argue the point.
What can we do about it, because over time, the stress and tension will make us ill or possibly even kill us? Don’t try and change their world, start instead with yourself. Being generous with the benefit of the doubt will be a good starting point to help us tread an easier path through the various minefields in human relations. Look at the person and the situations which arise. Ask yourself, “what do I know about this difficult person that might help me understand the way they think or behave”? Where and how were they raised? What has been their set of life experiences that has channeled them into their habit patterns? Is it just an occasional thing - are they sad or mad? Is there something going on at home that is making them irascible? Is today’s flare up sourced by anger at their home situation and is it just oozing frustration into every fibre of their being?
As a leader, it is always good to presume everybody you meet in life is carrying a heavy load. Think about your own troubles – perfection doesn’t last all that long and before you know it, stress begins to well up.
Dale Carnegie's Principles to change behavior, without creating resentment, are a powerful and handy roadmap forward. Advice like “ask questions instead of giving direct orders” works well, because you invite them to have some influence and ownership over the decision.
Another insight is to “call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly”. This is useful because it precludes people becoming defensive and locking themselves into inflexible positions to save their face.
Actually “Let the other person save face” is another of the principles and good plain advice. Don’t win the battle and humiliate the other party. They won’t forget or forgive and you may lose the war over the longer game.
Another principle, “Make the other person happy about doing what you suggest” is not so easy. However, if we really analyse that person and the personality drivers in play within them, we can find some common ground that will appeal to their self-interest and we can unite behind that to go forward.
I recommend you read the classic he wrote called “How To Win Friends and Influence People” – it is just chock full of gems. Identifying typical current people issues and then applying the Principles to each case will make how to handle certain people and situations much clearer.
