SONDER: What It Is and Why You (and Your Teen) Need It

Recently, a good friend shared a new word with me. Now it is my very, very favorite. It just captures the essence of an idea I’ve had floating in the back of my head perfectly.

This word was coined within the past decade by John Koenig who has created the dictionary of obscure sorrows. Are you ready? Here it is: sonder.

sonder

the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own—populated with their own ambitions, friends, routines, worries, and inherited craziness—an epic story that continues invisibly around you like an anthill sprawling deep underground, with elaborate passageways to thousands of other lives that you’ll never know existed, in which you might appear only once, as an extra sipping coffee in the background, as a blur of traffic passing on the highway, as a lighted window at dusk.

As I pondered, well, sonder, I thought so much about right now, and how I long for the world to embrace this idea, this skill – the ability to look outside yourself and understand that even though you’re starring in your own movie, you’re the extra in everyone else’s story

While it’s developmentally appropriate for our teens to be self-centered and overly self-conscious and self-focused, it’s NOT developmentally appropriate for the grown-ups in the room.

And that means, as we navigate the craziness, and to be blunt, the heartache that is 2020, from COVID to social justice upheavals to a contentious election, I want to encourage everyone to take a step back to appreciate the sonder. To ponder the sonder.

I need that reminder myself.

Viewing the world from a place of sonder makes it so much easier to have grace for so many. Teachers and counselors and administrators who are working to teach students in challenging circumstances. Parents who are afraid and want what’s best for their kids. People who are oppressed and feel beaten down and tired. Men and women who put their lives on the line every day for the safety of our communities. Those who are working in every nook and cranny of our government, trying to steer this messy, beautiful country of ours.

I know that we’re all weary of the constraints that have been placed on our lives. It’s SO uncomfortable to stay in this place of uncertainty, indefinitely. For the world to be operating differently than we’re used to. To fight the battle AGAINST fear and worry and FOR hope and patience every day.

That’s why I’m so in love with sonder. Because it reminds me to get out of my own head and think about all the stories going on around me. To have grace with those whose stories brush up against mine.

I hope you can do the same.