Welcome back to The Communicate & Connect Podcast with your host, Dr. Elizabeth Polinsky. In today's insightful episode, we delve into the intricate and often painful topic of why people have affairs. Joining us is Dr. Victoria Holroyd, a renowned relationship counselor with two decades of experience and the founder of the Relationship Center of Hampton Roads.
Throughout our conversation, Dr. Holroyd unpacks the multifaceted reasons behind infidelity, starting with the concept of attachment wounds—deep-seated emotional scars that stem from past relationships and childhood experiences. We'll explore how these wounds can shape an individual's perception of relationships, often rendering them as dangerous and prompting avoidance behavior.
We delve into the notion of affairs as coping mechanisms, where individuals seek out intense, short-lived encounters to regain a sense of control and empowerment. Dr. Holroyd discusses the various types of affairs, such as "protest affairs" motivated by feelings of hurt or abandonment and "romantic fantasy affairs" seeking an escape from stress.
Moreover, we’ll examine how power dynamics and a subconscious need for control play significant roles in driving infidelity, especially among certain populations like military personnel returning from deployments. Dr. Holroyd touches on the compulsive nature of some affairs, likening them to addiction, and emphasizes the importance of understanding one's attachment history for effective resolution.
The episode also highlights the significance of emotional connection and how its absence can lead to loneliness and unmet needs, further paving the way for infidelity. The conversation extends to therapeutic insights, where Dr. Holroyd shares how couples can navigate the tumultuous aftermath of an affair with the right conditions—dedicated therapy, cessation of the affair, and a genuine commitment to healing.
We'll also discuss the transformative power of emotionally focused therapy, highlighting the importance of expressive communication in rebuilding trust and connection. Dr. Holroyd uses compelling metaphors like the "calcium envelope" to describe the healing process, providing hope and strength for couples on this journey.
With practical advice, therapeutic techniques, and a deep understanding of the emotional underpinnings of affairs, Dr. Holroyd offers a beacon of hope for those looking to heal and rebuild. So, whether you are a military family facing unique challenges or anyone seeking to fortify your relationship, this episode promises a wealth of insights and actionable steps.
Join us as we navigate the complex landscape of infidelity, its root causes, and the path to recovery, all while emphasizing the enduring power of emotional connection and hope in forging stronger, more resilient relationships.
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You can sign up for Elizabeth's FREE 10-week relationship email course here. Read the show notes for this episode here.
