The Messy Middle of It

THIS MESSY LIFE

Lately, I’ve thought a lot about what I’m trying to teach my own teens. About life, about decision-making, about relationships, about how to show up as a human being. And the word that keeps coming up is: MESSY.

MY MAGICAL MIDDLE

When I taught middle school, my subject area was 8th-grade social studies, and in my district, that meant Civics. And I LOVED it.

We lived in the DC area at the time, and it couldn’t have been more serendipitous. As a newlywed with no kids of my own yet, I was able to do “no-frills” field trips with my kids, where they’d meet me and my husband at the nearest metro stop (with a parent) and head downtown to check out one of the different museums.

It was magical.

It was also all of the other things teaching is – challenging, soul-wrenching, difficult, exhilarating, heartbreaking, and joyful all wrapped up within the hours of 1 day.

MY CAREFUL PATH

I am bringing this up because I spent a LOT of time talking about the government over the course of 5 years. In a place that was literally the seat of our country’s federal government.

And I walked a very careful path so that my students were never able to guess what my personal preferences were when it came time to vote.

I’ve continued to follow politics as best as I can as I’ve raised my babies – the oldest of whom will be able to vote for the first time in this election.

THIS IS NOT ABOUT POLITICS

And just know, before you decide to tune out, that this is ABSOLUTELY about politics.

This is all just part of that musing I’ve been doing, as I think about what I want to instill in my kiddos. And as I look at the world we’re immersed in, I confess that I’m dismayed by what I see. Mostly because I feel like so much of it is the opposite of those things I’m trying to teach them. That life, decision-making, relationships, and being human? They’re all so MESSY.

There are very rarely clear-cut instances of black and white; most of the time, life comes at you in various shades of gray.

DUALITY IS MESSY

There is a duality that’s in all of us that is not represented in what we see in the news or the political arena.

Duality is uncomfortable, frustrating, and crazy-making.

Ironically, I think it’s the space our teens are living in as they sort out who they are and who they aren’t and who they want to become.

They’re right in the middle of the stream, bouncing back and forth between wanting to remain and kid and trying to emerge as an adult, and it’s painful. (Sometimes for everyone involved!)

But this duality we experience is the human condition. And it’s the part of us that’s the catalyst for change.

Some fancy-pants people might call it a paradox, this duality I’m talking about. Some talk about it as wanting to have your cake and eat it too. Regardless of how we name it, it’s still having multiple fears or desires or beliefs that conflict with each other.

And it all boils down to having to make a choice. Or does it?

BOTH . . . AND

There’s a duality there too because sometimes you must make a choice – and sometimes you don’t.

Sometimes, it’s okay for things to be BOTH . . . AND instead of EITHER . . . OR.

A friend pointed that out to me recently, as I talking about wanting my teens to be independent BUT wanting them to live within my boundaries (Let’s be real here: what I really meant was listen to and follow my good advice).

I worry that my teens are not going to move into independence BUT I also want to keep them safe from the harsh consequences of bad decisions.

She pointed out that by changing that one little word – “but” – to “and” I’d be having a whole lot of grace with myself. So, I did. I worry that my teens are not moving into independence AND I want to keep them safe from the harsh consequences of bad decisions.

That’s duality. Wanting my teens to fly free AND listen to this momma bird.

WHERE’S THE MESSY REPRESENTED IN OUR WORLD?

That is not what’s being represented in our world right now. This ability to sit with contradictions, with uncertainty, with compassion for all the MESSY.

One of the things I’m committed to? Digging into that messy with my teens. Asking questions and going deep to discover what, exactly, our dualities are. Then embracing all of it.

And showing them that messy is okay – more than okay. Because none of us is only one thing. Everyone being one thing would certainly be easier, but then we’d all be robots. And we wouldn’t have the beauty that deeply flawed, conflicted people bring into the world. The ones that Emma Stone sang about in La La Land:

Here's to the ones who dream,

Foolish as they may seem,

Here's to the hearts that ache,

Here's to the mess we make.

OUR MESSY DREAMERS

Right now, our teens are those dreamers. And the messaging they often get is that their duality, their messiness is not okay. And that can make for some fierce anxiety – this pressure to choose, to hurry up and decide who you’re going to be, to get it right the first time, to decide your whole future, right here, right now, today.

WHAT IS YOUR MESSY?

If you’re listening to this, whenever it may be, I would love for you to stop what you’re doing and sit with this for a minute. Think about your own duality. Your own contradictions. And embrace them. Adopt AND as your new favorite word. And share with your teens. They need to know that their duality is okay. To be celebrated. Congratulations, you’re part of the human race.