Episode 394 - Finding and Keeping Boundaries

Today, we will explore the concept of setting good boundaries and how that can set you free to thrive.

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Chinese food mishmash Sous vide and defrosting meats Homemade dressing recipe: Mayo, balsamic, garlic powder, salt, olive oil, mustard, dash of honey Meal planning by jar

Operation Independence

Signed up for Vin’s class to gain deeper knowledge of what crypto currency can do for me beyond transactional things 6 blueberry plants with a plan to plant them

Main topic of the Show: Finding and Keeping Boundaries

Over the weekend I took on a boundary setting project. One for myself. That’s right - I am quite good at community organizing, starting new businesses, communications and marketing, teaching, and helping friends. What I am not so good at is building in time for things that are important to me. Sometimes this includes maintaining close relationships, recreation and self care, exercise, detail management. 

And like many of you,  struggle with no - yet no is the key to setting and maintaining boundaries. Not necessarily a big ol’ loud, in your face sort of no after you have let things go too far for too long - something we have all done, but just a measured no. No with no guilt. No as a matter of fact thing. And clarity - clarity of what constitutes a reasonable interaction.

Over December, I found out someone in my network was very sick. It was at an awkward time in my work schedule and I agonized over how and if to offer help. I finally decided to ask if they needed help since people are in fact more important than coffee orders. Then Mama Sauce suggested a change of wording - Do you want help.

Need versus want. A subtle change that. But an important one. It may not have changed the answer, but it did change the intention with just one word and set a clear boundary - I was willing to offer help, but was not setting myself up beyond a friendly offer to become responsible for the other person’s well-being. It was an important line to draw, not for the friend who might have wanted my help, but more for myself. 

It is funny how sometimes these topics pop up in our network at the same time. Right after I came home from a meeting with my mental health coach with an assignment about creating boundaries, I popped into the LFTN Mewe group and there they were, having a conversation about boundaries. Specifically boundaries with people in your life whom you do not feel you can cut ties with - and who are interacting in your life in unhealthy ways.

Review the toxic person approach we discussed several years ago

As I watched that conversation unfold, I thought -- let’s talk about some ways that it can be tricky to set up boundaries:

Realizing you need boundaries Communicating them at the right time and in the right way How boundaries make you expose your vulnerabilities Clarity and openness When boundaries are not respected (consequences) You can only control yourself  Identifying who is at the core of the boundary issue

Finding models for good boundary setting and why to do it

Damage of exploding boundaries. (lemming game)

Where to focus if you are having trouble with someone breaking boundary agreements.

In the end, only you know what your boundaries need to be in your day to day life. Only you can set and defend your boundaries. Only you can define what happiness and healthiness is for you. And that is why some people have an easier time with boundaries than others. Some people really do not care if their boundaries cause temporary hurt feelings because they know that the clarity in the long run will lead to a stronger relationship if that person stays in their lives. Others agonize over the damage that having a boundary might cause never realizing that by allowing an unhealthy situation to grow, they are creating a long term relationship that perhaps should not exist. And this is why boundaries are so important. Because only you can set them, only you can defend them, and only you can only control your reaction to situations. But the cool thing is that if you control you and you do it well, that is the most powerful tool there is toward the best outcomes.

Make it a great week!

GUYS! Don’t forget about the cookbook, Cook With What You Have by Nicole Sauce and Mama Sauce. 

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