EP 158 Leading While Your Message Makes Some Mad

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Today I’m going to cover……….a mindset shift strategy

The goal is that by the end of our quick time together you will have the motivation needed to hurdle into the discomfort of change and the specific steps to take if this area is a challenge for you

I know from questions I’ve received and work with thousands of leaders over years that increasing team follow through is a focus for many

Over the course of almost 30 years I have worked with MANY leaders who love to keep everyone happy – great goal – but it doesn’t always jive with leadership…..or parenting for that matter – and there are, ironically, some similarities

The goal is the find business success – and it isn’t always possible to achieve that AND keep everyone happy – that’s Reality

I always say, you are who you are in your work and in your life – we can work on one and we’ll impact both.  This has tended to hold especially true when it comes to people pleasing - 

Here are some clues that you might be avoiding conversations or messages that might make people mad

You tell yourself that employees and volunteers should just know what to do. 

You’ve resigned yourself to the belief that if you want things done right – or done at all you just have to do them yourself

You are constantly overwhelmed

You have resentment building inside towards members of your team

You are afraid to have performance correction conversations – OR – you tell yourself you don’t have time for the conversations…..excuses win – eventually you say….now it’s been too long it would be weird to bring it up now

You stuff your feelings or are not even aware of them – Maybe you aren’t even certain what I mean when I ask about your feelings
You minimize your own wants and needs
You excuse or justify away your need to speak up

If this is you -  you are not alone! 

I can’t count the number of times I’ve had clients tell me, I just want everyone to be happy.  I’m just really nice.

Generally, what are they doing to try to keep everyone happy?  avoiding tough conversations, lying, withholding information, manipulating circumstances, saying yes to way too many tasks……which all lead to overwhelm, resentment, frustration.

And there are many unintended consequences, beyond the personal build-up of resentments, overwhelm, frustrations, disappointments, chaos that comes with trying to keep everyone around you happy so that you can feel okay.  The lost energy spent to track modified messages, make things happen covertly, stuffing true feelings while plastering a smile.

Yes, beyond these personal consequences are these:

Unintended Consequences:

You Rob Others of their Opportunity to Excel – They have no idea you’d like them to do better or be different.  By staying silent or complaining only to others you are robbing them of the chance to choose different actions.

REMEMBER employees want to feel like they are doing a good job – MOST want the TRUTH…..if you are telling them nothing OR – only telling them what they want to hear they are not sure if they really are doing a good job AND……

How often are you saying, I just don’t have time to have that correction conversation?

You are Effectively Allowing Employees to Make Decisions for the Business

If they show up late, leave early or take longer lunches they are setting work hours

If they fail to follow the processes you’ve outlined or use the new piece of equipment they are designing how work should happen

If they are staying on cell phones, having bad attitudes with your customers or patients, they are making those business decisions for you.

If they decide deadlines by missing yours – those are business decisions they are making 

And it is highly likely that your employees

 Don’t have the same perspective, breadth of information, knowledge, insight that you do as a leader May not be putting the interest of the business ahead of their own…..

People can’t trust you: – Yep, that’s right!  Whether it’s just a deep down feeling they carry or something they know to be true for certain, those around you can’t trust your words.  You say you are fine, but are you really?  You say you can help, but will you actually show?  You say you’re happy with their achievements, but have they really done enough?

So many of my clients have been in this situation – in every instance once they started speaking up transformation happened – quickly

Angry employee story – resigned

Another instance – after some push back – during the period of transition when they thought they could still make the rules – employee got on board – productivity up!  Investment in a good employee saved and ROI increased as work aligned with business objectives

Do you feel motivated to make the change that you must?

Here are 5 Steps to Stop Your People Pleasing

Collect the Pain: Begin to notice where you feel resentment, disappointment towards others.  Notice when you are overwhelmed and frustrated.  Pay attention to all the times you put your agenda aside for someone else’s emergency or request.  FEEL inward

Determine What You Want/Need:  It may have been a while since you thought about what you wanted.  Practice doing some check ins throughout the day. Determine whether you are pretending to be happy or if you really are.

Start Speaking Up:  Begin having at least small correction conversations with your employees -cell phones out, lack of follow through on a small project…..no to requests where appropriate and start asking for help from others.  Set clear expectations for your employees.  Provide constructive feedback where necessary.

Gather Successes: As you speak up have a correction conversation, ask for help or say no and get a good response, take note.  Remember all the times that your feared outcome did not happen.  Start with people who are easier to speak with.  Then work towards tackling the tougher employees – the ones who use stay stuck strategies to design their own work  - NOTE – be careful that you aren’t focusing on feedback to your rockstars too long though….Remember they take feedback well and it’s easier but if you stay in this phase too long they are frustrated. 

Build Momentum:  Continue to speak up as you build enthusiasm and feel empowered. Enjoy the feeling and keep going!

Learn the Delegation Strategies I’ve shared with THOUSANDS and get your team to do what you need! Grab a copy of my EBook, The Six Simple Steps to Great Delegation

DefeatTheDrama.com/DelegationSheet

 

Kirsten Ross Vogel is an author, podcast host and CEO of Focus Forward Coaching where we help leaders 

 

defeat team drama  to 4X productivity,  wow their customers  and improve their bottom line  with simple, actionable strategies, systems, communication hacks and mindset shifts.