This episode is about grieving parents and moving through loss. Today’s caller, Tania, is a new mom who is caring for her aging father. She is struggling with making decisions that are best for everyone involved. We talk through the guilt that is influencing her decisions and how she can make self-honoring choices that are the best for everyone involved.
[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode308]
When it comes to making choices for someone we love it can feel hard not to let guilt or obligation be involved. When we allow guilt and obligation into our decision-making we aren’t making the choices that are truly in the highest good for everyone concerned.
Guilt and shame prevent us from being able to honor our feelings and from navigating the many different emotions, perspectives, and thoughts of being human and going through life-changing experiences, and dealing with family members and people who are sick or difficult. It is OK to choose something that may feel selfish but is self-honoring and in the best interest of everyone involved.
There is no one-size-fits-all approach when making big decisions like what to do with an aging parent. You have to tune in and make a decision from love, not guilt about what is best for everyone involved.
When we hang on to someone, it can create an energetic obligation for them to stay longer. There are two deaths we have to grieve for our parents. The physical death and the death of the ideal. When we allow ourselves to grieve, our heart breaks open so healing can begin.
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Consider/Ask Yourself
Do you like to have control? Would you rather have control than massive uncertainty? Do you do better in the known rather than the unknown? Do you deal with guilt if you’re not doing what you think you’re supposed to be doing or taking care of people in the way that you’re supposed to? Have you lost a parent or are you on the brink of losing a parent? Do you struggle with what’s the right thing to do when it comes to you caring for your parents?
Tania’s Question:
Tania is feeling anxious about how she will manage caring for her father and managing her life.
Tania’s Key Insights and Ahas:
After an accident, her 80-year-old father can no longer take care of himself. Her mother passed 13 years ago. She and her brother are caring for their father. She has a baby and a full-time job. She had to take medical time off from work. She feels guilty and is starting to grieve for her father. She is frightened when she thinks of her father’s passing. She holds on to an image of what she thought her future would be. She is finding the role reversal difficult.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
Realize it is okay to be feeling what she is feeling. Allow herself to start letting go and grieve her father. Release her attachment to what she thinks “should” be. Find a way to get outside help for her father. Give energetic permission to her father to transition when it is his time. Her body and nervous system have been in overdrive.
Takeaways:
Don’t wait to grieve until someone dies. Allow yourself to have the feelings and start the process before a loved one transitions.
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