Marni welcomes behavioral scientist turned dating coach and author Logan Ury into the Den to discuss the top dating tips from her book, How Not to Die Alone: The Surprising Science That Will Help You Find Love. Logan is the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, where she leads a research team that specializes in helping people find love.
Key takeaways from this episode:
A behavioral science approach to dating Biggest mistakes people make when dating Managing expectations Why feeling a spark with someone may not lead to lasting love Combating dating burnoutDate Like a Scientist [2:24]
Many women discount dating quality men because a man doesn't check every single box for them. Logan says people are wrong about who they think they should be with. She recommends dating like a scientist. Collect evidence and be curious.
The key is to have an open mind while figuring out what kind of person will make you happy. Then, test your assumptions.
Logan points out the three types of dating tendencies —
The Romanticizer — has unrealistic expectations of love and relationships. The Maximizer — has unrealistic expectations of the other person. The Hesitator — has unrealistic expectations of themselves.
Why You Should Start Dating Now [9:47]
Dating is a relational dynamic that occurs between you and another person. People can spend years doing personal development work to get ready to date but the only way to truly prepare is by dating. Ladies, you can’t just sit in your living room.
Logan points out that a lot of people have been hurt in the past. And many, date from a place of fear. They want to protect themselves against future hurts. But, people can work on themselves while they are meeting people.
We are all works in progress. Marni adds that we never know what our intimacy challenges are unless we put ourselves out there.
Demystifying the Spark [13:45]
The ‘spark’ has become the word that describes feeling butterflies when a person is attracted to another person. Logan warns that many people expect to have a RomCom moment where they will know right away if it is love, but she says it's not likely that it will happen.
3 Myths of the Spark
A spark is an immediate connection If you feel the spark it must be a good thing Feeling a spark must mean it is true loveLogan says f**k the spark and go for the slow burn. Choose someone reliable, shows up for you, and is the person you can grow into love with instead of starting off hot.
Tips for Online Dating [20:27]
As the Director of Relationship Science at Hinge, Logan sees the data of dating. She says the pandemic caused a sort of Relationship Renaissance. People are being more intentional in dating. People want intimacy and connection more than casual hook-ups.
Tips to maximize your video date:
Look your best with good lighting and a good camera angle. Explore dating in a new way. Do something you may not be able to do on a regular date. Use the time as an opportunity to find out who the person is.Face-to-face communication was difficult during the pandemic. When you get down to brass tacks it is the value of relationships that stands out. Intimate relationships have become more important to people. Dating is more important to people now. And, as a result, people are showing up with the intention to find a partner.
Be empowered! The guy doesn't have to come to you. Dating should be fun and playful & it's not about playing hard to get.
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