Marni welcomes Licensed Psychotherapist Terri Cole to the Life Check Yourself podcast. Terri is a global relationship and empowerment expert, the author of Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free, and podcast host. She offers up tips for single ladies who date, how-to say no with ease and grace, and her effective Boundary Blueprint.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Effective Communication Skills How to Set Personal Boundaries How to Say No with Ease and Grace Dating Red FlagsEstablishing Healthy Boundaries [2:41]
Terri describes boundaries as personal rules of engagement. Guidelines we set to let other people know what is ok and what is not ok with us. They are rules specifically customized around our limits, values, and deal-breakers. They let people know how to treat us.
When we were young most of us were told to be good kids and do things for other people whether we wanted to or not. This means, most of us were raised to be self-abandoning, people-pleasing, co-dependents. Almost all of us have disordered boundaries.
Terri says boundaries are a language we can learn. We got corrupted data and that creates a twisted sense of self, value, and worth. It is a complicated aspect of our personality. In her book, Boundary Boss: The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen, and (Finally) Live Free she has step-by-step instructions on how to set healthy boundaries.
When we do things for others that they can and should be doing for themselves we can become bitter and burnt out. It is absolutely okay to say no without an explanation of why you are saying no.
The amount of self-respect, self-love, and self-worth we feel for ourselves sets the bar for every other relationship in our lives. Whether we know it or not.
The Boundary Blueprint [15:33]
If you don't set boundaries, you will be a martyr only doing things for people out of a corrupted sense of responsibility. You may try to make people feel guilty and you will give corrupted data about yourself to the people in your life so they won't authentically know you. And, how can anyone authentically love you if you don't allow them to authentically know you or you don't authentically know yourself?
To get started: Get clear about where you need a boundary, then
Do a resentment inventory Make a simple request Don't change the rulesTips for Single Ladies [31:21]
Single women should value their time and not get stuck in the pen pal zone when a guy texts but won’t ask you out. Ask him to take things to the next level. Who has time to waste? Not empowered single women.
Set boundaries in the dating realm, early and often.
A woman who has healthy boundaries says something when someone doesn’t keep their word. She pushes back when a guy doesn't call when he says he will. She doesn't collude with a guy's twisted sense of reality when he thinks his time is more valuable than she is.
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