Marni speaks with Dr. Colin Wilford, a Clinical Psychologist with 27 years in dating and relationship counseling. Dr. Wilford enjoys studying mind-personality dynamics, the power of influence, and leadership. He helps companies with leadership, relationships, and people concerns. During the conversation, he shares his 4 Pillars to Higher Emotional Intelligence and his early-dating ConeXions assessment tool.
Key takeaways from this episode:
Why relationships fail How-to grow emotional intelligence What motivates people What people want from a relationshipThe 4 Pillars to Emotional Intelligence [2:10]
Marni asks Dr. Wilford about how a woman can determine what motivates the man they are dating or a team member they manage. Dr. Wilford says it is all about passion. He says be upfront and right to the point and ask “What blows your hair back? What gets you up in the morning?”
We all have a passion for something and unless we ask the questions we don't know what motivates people. Most people are thinking about themselves and what they want instead of the other person.
In a relationship, people want to feel attracted to one another, they want to be loved, validated, and accepted.
Dr. Wilford’s 4 Key Pillars to Emotional Intelligence
How do I understand what I am feeling and what my emotions are trying to teach me? How do I express and communicate my emotions? Do I understand the feelings and emotions of others? How do I manage, influence how others are feeling?
Making ConeXsions [22:58]
Dr. Wilford has been thinking about what makes relationships successful, what makes some compatible, and what makes them fall apart. So, he designed a tool that assesses compatibility between people who are starting to connect and starting to date. The tool helps filter through possible issues the pair may have if they couple up.
ConeXsions:
Communication Others Narcissism Emotional Expression X-factor Stress Interests Optimism Needs Spiritual
It points to the things that create compatibility and gives couples something to come back to when they hit a rough patch.
Most relationships fall apart because one person can not handle the stress.
How-to Grow Emotional Intelligence [35:02]
Dr. Wilford reveals that human beings have the wonderful privilege of receiving a stimulus and then having time to think about what to do about it. The rest of the animal kingdom doesn't have this ability. To grow emotionally, it is important to increase the time between what is triggering you and what you believe you need to do in the situation based on your perception, understanding, and what you think the results will be based on the action you take.
Don't be an animal, be a human being.
The key is to increase the time. When we have a knee-jerk reaction it is normally destructive to our relationship.
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