This episode is about shared values and looking at the part we play in the relationship. Today’s caller, Sarah, feels she is at the end of her rope in her relationship and is not sure if she should stay in it or go. The discussion revolves around the different circumstances in her relationship and what we get to is that there is just not enough information yet. If you find yourself at a choice point in your life and are struggling with what to do, either you need more time, or you know the right path and you are resisting taking it.
[For show notes, go here: Christinehassler.com/episode334]
Many people ask if they should stay or go. Whether it is a relationship, job, or city it can be very difficult to make a decision. If the answer isn’t clear, it means one of two things, either the answer is clear but we don’t like it so we try to make it work. Or, we just don’t have enough clarity about it. In which case, it may not be the right time to make a yes-or-no decision.
For a relationship to be successful, there needs to be a level of growth and connection, a level of satisfaction, and the freedom to be ourselves in what we create together. Those are just a fraction of the things that define success in relationships.
In a relationship, we must have shared values. At least three or four of our values must be mirrored by our partner. If you don’t have shared values, what is the compass? What is your North Star?
What truly brings two people together if not their shared values?
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Consider/Ask Yourself:
Are you in a situation where you are doubting whether you should end it or keep going? Do you feel like you are in a relationship where you feel you are focused on growth and you want your partner to be but they don’t value it as much as you do? Do you show up more controlling in a relationship? Do you have communication breakdowns and issues in your relationships?
Sarah’s Question:
Sarah is having communication issues in her relationship and feels that she is at the end of her rope when it comes to the conflict. She wants guidance on whether or not she should stay or go.
Sarah’s Key Insights and Ahas:
She thinks her partner is a great guy. She has communication issues in her relationship. The couple had been in counseling but had to quit. She gave her partner an ultimatum about getting counseling. She has learned to express her needs. She values growth and personal development. She could be in a Journeymate relationship. When she wants to talk things out he gets triggered. They have been together for six years. She is intentional about her life. She feels as if she has to take care of everything and is doing all the work on the relationship. She perceived women to be weak when she was younger. She feels at the end of her rope. She wants to find balance in her life and get out of her head.
How to Get Over It and On With It:
Acknowledge her partner and thank him for his efforts toward therapy. Ask her partner if he wants similar things from their relationship. If she does end the relationship, she needs to own 50% of what is happening and see what lessons can be gleaned from it. Listen to the Coaches Corner interview with Dr. Richard Schwartz about Internal Family Systems. Start focusing on the family dynamics she grew up with.
Takeaways:
If you are in a relationship, consider what values you and your partner share.
Resources:
Christine Hassler — Join the Free Over It and On With It Community
Christine Hassler Podcasts Including Coaches Corner
Expectation Hangover, by Christine Hassler
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@SacredUnionCouples on Instagram
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