Our circle of friends will usually be people with whom we share a lot of commonalities. Our viewpoints merge, our interests are similar, we like the same types of things. We get on easily. Life however throws us many curved balls, as meet new people who are not like us. Often we struggle when dealing with them. There are nine tried and true human relations principles we can use to improve our ability to get on with everyone, rather than just a select few who are more like us. I am going to analyse some different types of people we are likely to run into and align the principles with each type. This will create a handy guide on how to do better with people – all sorts of different people.
Some of these principles in the wrong hands can stray into manipulation, but that is not the goal here. We want to be able to form a good relationship with people who are different to us, so that means we have to make some changes to how we communicate with different types of individuals. You can have one mode of communication and be great with people like you, but you lose all of the others and we don’t want that.
The easiest type for me to deal with is the “time is money” type because that is how I am wired. This type is busy, businesslike, interested in outcomes, results, revenues, tolerates no excuses and is driven hard by their own standards and self-expectations. Don’t ever whine to them about anything, because they don’t care and they hate negativity. Don’t bother giving them appreciation because they sense flattery and doubt it. They don’t care what you think. They are driven by their running theirown race and your opinion is irrelevant.
They are perpetually interested in doing better, so we can arouse in them an interest in doing new things which will get them to their goals. You can try and become genuinely interested in them, but actually, they don’t care because they are totally self-contained.
Smiling is good, but they don’t tend to do a lot themselves because they are serious people, focused on winning. Using their name is good because they like to hear that magical sound, but don’t overdo it or they will think you are conning them.
Be prepared to listen to them pontificate and tell you what they think. Don’t interrupt them, cut them off or finish their sentences – they hate that when they are talking. Your role is to sit there quietly and listen. They have a lot to say so get them talking, especially about themselves.
Talk about the things they are interested in and despite how busy they are they will make time for you. You are warned beforehand that you only have fifteen minutes, because they are so busy. In fact, you spend ninety minutes talking with them because you found a topic which excites them. You don’t have to say anything to make them feel important – they already know they are and don’t care what you think.
The opposite type is the most difficult for me to deal with and these are the quiet, thoughtful, reserved people who border on timidity. They like to have a cup of tea to get to know you before they can open up to you. My energy overwhelms them, so I have to really tone it down when dealing with them.
They like people so don’t criticise others to them because they want to see the best in everyone. They do enjoy honest appreciation, so share that with them. They are interested in people, so if you have something in mind which benefits others, they will become interested in learning more. Smiling is good because they like to smile too. Using their name is good but again don’t overdo it.
Be a good listener and get them talking about themselves. They enjoy sharing their experiences and insights. Let them to do most of the talking because they feel comfortable when they are in control. Talk about the things they are interested in and they will grow close to you, because they feel the simpatico.
Make them feel important but do it sincerely, honestly. Everyone is an expert with flattery so don’t go there. Find things you admire about them and express your feelings to them openly, genuinely.
Another personality type I struggle with is the person who likes data, proof, evidence, testimonials and numbers to three decimal places. Don’t bother criticising anyone to them because unless you bring overwhelming evidence, they don’t believe it and basically they don’t care anyway.
Don’t bother giving them sincere appreciation, because words don’t count with them. You need to stump up the evidence before they are going to take any notice. You can get them interested in topics as long as you are supplying the proof and data. They will want a lot of it, because they have an insatiable appetite for information. They are not interested in you becoming interested in them. That is a diversion away from the numbers and they are not excited by what you may think about them.
Smiling is not a bad thing, but they don’t do much of it themselves, because they are serious people. Using their name isn’t important to them, so don’t bother. You will have a lot of difficulty getting them talking about themselves, because that has nothing to do with the business at hand. It feels invasive for them.
The topics you should address should only be those of interest to them. Find out what they are interested in or concerned about and go deep there. Don’t bother trying to make them feel important – your opinion is worthless.
The opposite type is the big picture, don’t drag me into the weeds, very outgoing person who enjoys people and parties. Don’t criticise anyone to them because they are doers and love positivity. They enjoy sincere, honest appreciation because they have a high self-image.
If you find out what they want and what they are interested in, they will enjoy talking about those items until the cows come home. They want people to be interested in them so they are happy to share a lot about themselves to everyone.
Smiling is easy for them and they like it when you do the same. They love the sound of their own name but again don’t overdo it. Be a good listener because they have a lot to say and will willing share a lot of information with you about them. Find the topics they are interested in and talk about those and they will be very happy. Make them feel important in an honest, sincere way that doesn’t smack of flattery or sycophancy.
As I mentioned, some of these principles in the hands of evil people can be used for manipulation. Our goals is to get on well with all types of people. With that goal in mind, we switch our communication style from what we like to what they like. We stay the same personality style but we speak different languages, depending on who we are speaking with.
Of course you can say, “I am me. Take it or leave it”. That is fine and you will get on with all of the people who are similar to you. If you want to get on with people unlike you, then try these principles with the various types you meet and see the results.
