I am a logical person and one of the most useful tools when applying logic is deduction - the process of ruling out.
Deduction is very effective. So effective we call the ability to use this process as one's "powers of deduction."
In the workshops I do with young leaders I ask them, "Who do you want to be as a leader?"
They are often stumped by this question and often times respond with, "I'm not sure who I want to be but I know who I don't want to be as a leader - my [current/former] bad boss."
That is the power of deduction and without realizing it shapes who you are as a leader, as a partner, as a coworker, as a friend and as a parent. We remember how we felt when we had to deal with another person and those who upset us tend to make a lasting impression and that experience shapes who we become – hopefully for the good.
In my early experience as a leader I put more thought into avoiding being perceived as a "bad boss" than I did being perceived as a good boss. It's all part of the process and it then lead me to consider what experience I did want to create for my team.
Here I'm telling my own bad boss story...and it's a good one.
Starting from a place of who I was not as a leader I came to an identity of who I am as a leader.
Here is another area we are going to look into to determine who you are not…
You Are Not Your Stress Reactions
Have you ever been in a negative relationship or a situation and over time you notice there are some changes in your personality and how you respond to things. Changes and responses that you are not proud of.
Rather than saying the sweet words we hear in dramas, "they make me a better person" or "they make me want to be a better person" you find yourself uttering, "I don't like who I am when I'm around them." Or, "when I'm there I'm like a different person."
This is who you are not!
You say those things, you do those things but they feel wrong and you don't like it. That's the sign that it's not THE REAL YOU.
Whenever you feel at odds with how you are showing up and how you are behaving you are sure to find your default stress reaction at play. This is your alter-ego, the persona you become under stress to try to protect you from any perceived threat.
When I get stressed I become very controlling. I micromanage and get lost in details and research. If you know me you would know details and research are not where I choose to hang out on a day-to-day basis.
Likely, when your alter-ego is a play you'll find yourself doing things that are the opposite of what you would normally do if things weren't so tense.
The issue with the alter-ego is it started to develop when you were very young, when you didn't know as much as you do now. Think 6-8 years old.
Since the alter-ego came into existence you have become more experienced, skilled, wise and resourceful. But your alter-ego isn't aware of that and so it jumps in to save the day thinking you are not capable to handle the situation, that you are still 8-years-old, and as a result your alter-ego makes you feel small, incapable and out-of-control.
In the next several bonus episodes I’m going to cover some common stress reactions. I'm hoping you will gain an awareness of your own alter-ego so you'll be able to see it in action when something stressful occurs.
With this awareness you'll be able to make a different choice; you'll be able to respond to stress as you really are: powerful, capable, resourceful and committed.
Find more resources at https://womentakingthelead.com
