In the Middle of It with Amy Kelly, The Ish Girl
What’s Developmentally Appropriate for Teens? Flipping Your Frustration and Fear to Calm and Confidence
Released: Nov 10, 2018
Biggest Takeaways:
Many times, our teen’s behavior does not have the intentionality we give it. Seeing our teen’s behavior as developmentally appropriate can help us reframe it and respond, rather than react, to it. Defining a behavior as developmentally appropriate doesn’t excuse inappropriate or unhealthy behavior. When I know it’s developmentally appropriate for teens to go through certain stages as they’re changing from kids into adults, I can now respond to their misbehavior rather than react to it. Understanding what is developmentally appropriate frees parents and teens from condemnation and shame. This is not who your teen is – it’s how they are becoming an adult. As parents, we’re still going to focus on setting boundaries and behaviors and keep them moving toward what is healthy – they don’t get a free license to do anything they want just because they’re going through this stage. Recognizing what is developmentally appropriate in your teen is meant to be an internal dialog to help you reframe your teen’s behavior in a non-shaming, process-focused way. It is NOT something you tell your teen, because that can be condescending or belittling. Teens hate being told why they do what they do, or that they don’t “get it” because they’re teenaged. That will shut down any kind of connection with them. There’s no prescribed timeframe for how teens move from being a kid into being an adult. There are a couple of tasks they need to do to become a whole individual person who chooses how they’re going to live their lives. And the process is messy. “Good enough parenting” - there is no perfect parent. If we can consistently fall into the big, wide, gray area of “good enough,” we’re parenting well. Examples of developmentally appropriate tasks teens need to go through (it doesn’t mean they are manifested in “good” ways, but they need to experience these to emerge into adulthood): be emotionally reactive and impulsive be self-centered and overly self-conscious value their peers’ opinions over their parents’ advice Your measure of success as a parent is not your teen’s immediate response – it’s being able to say yes to the question “did you create the space for them to grow toward something healthier?” You cannot give space when you are condemning, shutting down, or invalidating.Referenced in this Episode
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